I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
