I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
