I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
