Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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