how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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