I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
high people should be assigned attendants
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
