I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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