I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
