I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
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