def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
So many bounce houses so little time
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
