sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
