i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
50% drunk capacity currently
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
