"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
