Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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