anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
