I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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