i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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