I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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