Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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