hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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