my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
