one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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