Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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