I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
