I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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