my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
