walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
