I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize