ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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