go do what you do best...puke behind churches
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
