A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
sarcasm needs its own font
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
