someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
