I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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