You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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