just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
