I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
