We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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