you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
