You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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