You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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