Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
