sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
smell my finger.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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