i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
