There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He passed out mid-signature
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You took a bar mat shot.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
