i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
