I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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