My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
