Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So much rum. So many feels.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
