Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
