My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
