there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
