the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
