Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
