I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Where is the hickey?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
