i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
